FML part drei

I'm still bitchy.

There are happier places to visit.

Move along.




Who would do this! OMG!! I think I just threw up a little.




Ya'all know my unnatural fear of spiders right? No? Well I have an unnatural fear of spiders. You can call it phobic, you can call it arachnophobia, what ever you call it I call it 'spiders are of the devil'. They scare me. They scare me so much that I get nauseous just thinking about them. I once found hundreds of eggs sacs, hundreds, I exaggerate not, in the cupboard that houses the toys I keep for the grandbabies. I threw up for a good hour thinking how those delightful, and some not so delightful children could have had a spider on them.

So. I go into the bathroom, my bathroom, and I'm rubbing my eyes and getting ready for bed. I head into the bedroom when, I stop, and right at my feet. Inches, I say inches, from my feet is a very large wolf spider. Large. Wolf. Spider. If you're not familiar with wolf spiders in your neck of the wood let me just say they are large, furry, and fast. They look like baby taranchulas only faster. Except when they are carrying around their egg sack. Why? Why must they cart their egg sac around with them? Why? It's large and they tuck it under themselves and it's creepy and quite unnecessary if you ask me. But they do. The only thing creepier than that is that when the babies hatch, they then cart them around on their back. No really!

LOOK!!

And on someones hand! WHO COULD DO SUCH A THING? Truly vomitous.

Back to my spider. Because it's all about me. The spider is sitting there, standing? What? And I began to call out. Because I have no spider killing weapon anywhere near me and I'm getting ready for bed and not exactly decent, not to mention I can't leave the room because I'd have to cross the spider. There is just no way I'm crossing this spider. You may not know this but my house is practically sound proof. I holler down to BH. He can't hear me, I know this. Ddunkie is in the john so I yell out DDUNKIE!!!! WHAT? A SPIDER!! JC MOM! HURRY! I'M POOPING!! And then the spider, quite annoyed with all the yelling and pooping runs, RUNS! RUNS I TELL YOU! around my feet. AROUND MY FEET! then around the corner and behind my dresser.

FML

Ddunkie, mid poo, comes into the room to see. 'Is it big?' 'BIG!' 'One of 'those'?' 'yes' We're whispering at this point as we have no desire to further annoy this beast that is now hidden in my bedroom where I had intended to sleep but now will not be able to.

I run downstairs and grab the shop vac. The brand new shop vac that we got for cheep at the HD and has never even been used. This was a purchase that I'd hoped would improve my mood and if it fulfills it's spider killing duty just may.

BH hears me hollering and sees me grab the shop vac and head up the stairs with purpose and says What is all the noise? A SPIDER! 'Jeezs I thought you were dying up there.' Nice of you to check on me my love. He comes up the stairs after me. He. Is not such a great spider killer. He's not afraid, he just sucks at it. If I am going to sleep anywhere in this house I will need to be sure it's dead.

BH: How big is it?
me: BIG
BH: How big?
me: BIG
BH: Like. .
me: Baby it's BIG and it needs to die!

And now Ddunkie is out of the john and looking on.

BH slowly pulls my dresser from the wall. Of course the spider could hide UNDER the dresser and just move with it, or attach isself underneath and just ride it out. Spiders are smart this way. And the dresser moves, slowly, slowly, slowly and then. . . There it is! Up against the wall. All manner of colorful language escapes our lips. It truly is a LARGE spider. And since BH the brave spider slayer is there he quickly ducks behind the dresser and. .and. .crush crush crush. (vomit vomit vomit) He kills it. 'Now go get me a tissue' 'why?' 'to wipe the spider off my shoe' '(gak) no'

Ddunkie is just barely brave enough to get him a tissue and hand it to him in a most comical way. In other words, just barely close enough for BH to barely touch the tissue. And once tissue makes contact with BH's hands, Ddunkie hauls it out of there, crashing into me, watching from the relative safety of the doorway. Keep in mind the spider is dead at this point.

Dead spider = 10% mood elevation
Child with same degree of spider fear yet willing to kill a spider for his mommy = 20% mood elevation.

I'd rate it higher, but then I'd have to say I was now in a great mood.

Spiders

Two more days and I'm takin a break.

maybe




It is that time of year when all good fall decorations must be put away and all happy Christmas decorations are prized from their place in the garage and dragged into the house.

Along with unwanted arachnids.


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

In my house! In my living room! In my Christmas things!

You get the raid I'm going back to bed.

Again with the spiders

I've run out of ways to nag you.

It's been 19 days so I guess you're not gonna do it.

Or are you?

Let me know!!!



Ok, here's the story. I hate spiders! Yes I know you find that surprising but I do in fact hate spiders. Terrified would be a better word. Unreasonably phobic. I can't watch them on tv and I'm quite sure I'd become permanently catatonic should I ever find myself in the Indiana Jones temple with all the spiders, remember that? Not just spiders but ginormous tarantulas! AND THEY ARE CRAWLING ALL OVER HIM?

I'm gonna be sick.

I'm quite sure it's in my DNA because I've passed this lovely phobia on to each of my sons.

You're welcome boys, I love you!

So there's been this spider in the garage. Not just any spider, no, it's a Black Widow. Affectionately called The Bitch in our house. And she's huge. And she's in the corner of the garage, all over some stuff that we never use but wont throw out because it's good stuff and we may need it some day.

Like Ddunkie's fishing tackle.

So one day, make that one night, he's getting his stuff together for an early morning fishing trip. He's gotta go into the corner, THAT corner, and face The Bitch!

This is gonna be good so I gotta go out there and watch. Should have filmed it because it was hilarious. We see her, she's out, that's good. He gets the blow torch. Yes, blow torch, it's an awesome way to deal with all manner of creepy crawlies. We stumble around trying to find a way to light it and then finally we are ready. To torch The Bitch!

He gets close and then. . . POOF! He torches the web and The Bitch goes a runnin. #%*@!! Under and over stuff in the garage where we can no longer see her. This is not good as he needs to get his stuff out of the corner there and you just know she's there, waiting, waiting for an opportune moment to crawl up his leg.

I stay far enough away that I'll see her if she heads my way. Ddunkie on the other hand must still get his stuff out of that corner. That corner, covered in sticky Widow Webs, where The Bitch continues to hide. Waiting.

The atmosphere is thick with fear. His and mine. But Ddunkie bravely tackles the corner, torching the webs that are covering his gear. He hands me each fishing pole as it is freed from the webs. At one point he screams, flies backwards and falls on his butt. It's not a web but a stray fishing line that grabs him and some gear. Toppling him and more gear out onto the driveway.

But there's more gear to rescue. Tucked into the darkest part of the garage. Where the webs are thick and The Bitch could still be hiding. He puts me in charge of the flashlight which is a huge mistake, I'm no good with the whole holding of the flashlight thing, especially when I'm trying to find a spider. And not just any spider. A huge Bitch of a spider. Unable to help myself, I take a fishing pole and gently run it up his pant leg. I'm quite sure he peed himself just a little and I'm told to be good or he's gonna make me go in the house.

We, we as in him, finally manage to release his fishing gear from the sticky webs of death and he slowly begins to look through the stuff. 'Don't move!' I say, sending him into a squealing panic. 'WHAT WHAT WHERE IS SHE?' he yells, dancing just a little. 'No, not her, look'

Spider eggs all over and inside his tackle box. The trusty torch comes to the rescue and his gear is saved! Hooray!!

But The Bitch? She is still in THERE. Hiding. In the garage. Waiting. We all know it. It's just a matter of time before she surfaces again.

A few days later the gear must be put back into the dark, forgotten but now de-webbed corner of the garage. MUST. 'I'll help' I say. Ddunkie is unsure. I'm really not much help but the entertainment value? Priceless! We go in holding miscellaneous fishing gear and press the button to open the door. Ddunkie is heading for the corner as the door goes up and I yell 'STOP!' His nerves strung tight, knowing what it could mean and he begins to scream. Gear is dropped and Ddunkie is flailing about the garage. I point up to the garage door, still slowly moving up, with The Bitch. In the door. Moving up. She is now right above our heads. Well, his head. NICE!

Quick! Grab the torch!

I do. We've prepared for this moment and the torch is within arms reach along with a lighter to get it going in a hurry. Torch lit he carefully goes over to where The Bitch is smugly hanging in the garage door. She doesn't move. 'Yanno, if you don't get her quickly she's gonna drop right on you.' Ddunkie says he know THAT. Yet he still gets his tall frame right under her and pops the torch in her direction. 'FLOOP' the fire releases her from her web of comfort and she falls at a direct angle to Ddunkies feet. He screams, I scream, we all scream for ice cream. We spend the next hour (maybe longer) searching his hair, shirt and pants for any sign of The Bitch. She once again has escaped a fiery death.

I know she's pissed.

I know she's coming after me.

And Ddunkie.

Two days later, what do we see? You guessed it! The Bitch, oh The Bitch, yes The Bitch is back. This time she is sunning herself on a rather large box right smack dab in the middle of the garage. Right there! In the open!

Taunting us.

I'll go get BH, I say. No, he says, I'll do it, I'm gonna face my fears.

He's so brave. He grabs the nearest, longest item he can find and smashes her dead.

I've never been so proud.

My little dragon slayer.

Until he wipes her up with a towel and chases me all over the garage with it.

The end.

Spidey

It's a great way to clean out all your old drafts!











Ah the lowly spider! Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways. . . .

1** For building your web where I wouldn't get caught in it.

2** And keeping the buggies off my mystery fruit tree.

3** And most of all for staying out of my house.