Again with the spiders

I've run out of ways to nag you.

It's been 19 days so I guess you're not gonna do it.

Or are you?

Let me know!!!



Ok, here's the story. I hate spiders! Yes I know you find that surprising but I do in fact hate spiders. Terrified would be a better word. Unreasonably phobic. I can't watch them on tv and I'm quite sure I'd become permanently catatonic should I ever find myself in the Indiana Jones temple with all the spiders, remember that? Not just spiders but ginormous tarantulas! AND THEY ARE CRAWLING ALL OVER HIM?

I'm gonna be sick.

I'm quite sure it's in my DNA because I've passed this lovely phobia on to each of my sons.

You're welcome boys, I love you!

So there's been this spider in the garage. Not just any spider, no, it's a Black Widow. Affectionately called The Bitch in our house. And she's huge. And she's in the corner of the garage, all over some stuff that we never use but wont throw out because it's good stuff and we may need it some day.

Like Ddunkie's fishing tackle.

So one day, make that one night, he's getting his stuff together for an early morning fishing trip. He's gotta go into the corner, THAT corner, and face The Bitch!

This is gonna be good so I gotta go out there and watch. Should have filmed it because it was hilarious. We see her, she's out, that's good. He gets the blow torch. Yes, blow torch, it's an awesome way to deal with all manner of creepy crawlies. We stumble around trying to find a way to light it and then finally we are ready. To torch The Bitch!

He gets close and then. . . POOF! He torches the web and The Bitch goes a runnin. #%*@!! Under and over stuff in the garage where we can no longer see her. This is not good as he needs to get his stuff out of the corner there and you just know she's there, waiting, waiting for an opportune moment to crawl up his leg.

I stay far enough away that I'll see her if she heads my way. Ddunkie on the other hand must still get his stuff out of that corner. That corner, covered in sticky Widow Webs, where The Bitch continues to hide. Waiting.

The atmosphere is thick with fear. His and mine. But Ddunkie bravely tackles the corner, torching the webs that are covering his gear. He hands me each fishing pole as it is freed from the webs. At one point he screams, flies backwards and falls on his butt. It's not a web but a stray fishing line that grabs him and some gear. Toppling him and more gear out onto the driveway.

But there's more gear to rescue. Tucked into the darkest part of the garage. Where the webs are thick and The Bitch could still be hiding. He puts me in charge of the flashlight which is a huge mistake, I'm no good with the whole holding of the flashlight thing, especially when I'm trying to find a spider. And not just any spider. A huge Bitch of a spider. Unable to help myself, I take a fishing pole and gently run it up his pant leg. I'm quite sure he peed himself just a little and I'm told to be good or he's gonna make me go in the house.

We, we as in him, finally manage to release his fishing gear from the sticky webs of death and he slowly begins to look through the stuff. 'Don't move!' I say, sending him into a squealing panic. 'WHAT WHAT WHERE IS SHE?' he yells, dancing just a little. 'No, not her, look'

Spider eggs all over and inside his tackle box. The trusty torch comes to the rescue and his gear is saved! Hooray!!

But The Bitch? She is still in THERE. Hiding. In the garage. Waiting. We all know it. It's just a matter of time before she surfaces again.

A few days later the gear must be put back into the dark, forgotten but now de-webbed corner of the garage. MUST. 'I'll help' I say. Ddunkie is unsure. I'm really not much help but the entertainment value? Priceless! We go in holding miscellaneous fishing gear and press the button to open the door. Ddunkie is heading for the corner as the door goes up and I yell 'STOP!' His nerves strung tight, knowing what it could mean and he begins to scream. Gear is dropped and Ddunkie is flailing about the garage. I point up to the garage door, still slowly moving up, with The Bitch. In the door. Moving up. She is now right above our heads. Well, his head. NICE!

Quick! Grab the torch!

I do. We've prepared for this moment and the torch is within arms reach along with a lighter to get it going in a hurry. Torch lit he carefully goes over to where The Bitch is smugly hanging in the garage door. She doesn't move. 'Yanno, if you don't get her quickly she's gonna drop right on you.' Ddunkie says he know THAT. Yet he still gets his tall frame right under her and pops the torch in her direction. 'FLOOP' the fire releases her from her web of comfort and she falls at a direct angle to Ddunkies feet. He screams, I scream, we all scream for ice cream. We spend the next hour (maybe longer) searching his hair, shirt and pants for any sign of The Bitch. She once again has escaped a fiery death.

I know she's pissed.

I know she's coming after me.

And Ddunkie.

Two days later, what do we see? You guessed it! The Bitch, oh The Bitch, yes The Bitch is back. This time she is sunning herself on a rather large box right smack dab in the middle of the garage. Right there! In the open!

Taunting us.

I'll go get BH, I say. No, he says, I'll do it, I'm gonna face my fears.

He's so brave. He grabs the nearest, longest item he can find and smashes her dead.

I've never been so proud.

My little dragon slayer.

Until he wipes her up with a towel and chases me all over the garage with it.

The end.