FML part drei

I'm still bitchy.

There are happier places to visit.

Move along.




Who would do this! OMG!! I think I just threw up a little.




Ya'all know my unnatural fear of spiders right? No? Well I have an unnatural fear of spiders. You can call it phobic, you can call it arachnophobia, what ever you call it I call it 'spiders are of the devil'. They scare me. They scare me so much that I get nauseous just thinking about them. I once found hundreds of eggs sacs, hundreds, I exaggerate not, in the cupboard that houses the toys I keep for the grandbabies. I threw up for a good hour thinking how those delightful, and some not so delightful children could have had a spider on them.

So. I go into the bathroom, my bathroom, and I'm rubbing my eyes and getting ready for bed. I head into the bedroom when, I stop, and right at my feet. Inches, I say inches, from my feet is a very large wolf spider. Large. Wolf. Spider. If you're not familiar with wolf spiders in your neck of the wood let me just say they are large, furry, and fast. They look like baby taranchulas only faster. Except when they are carrying around their egg sack. Why? Why must they cart their egg sac around with them? Why? It's large and they tuck it under themselves and it's creepy and quite unnecessary if you ask me. But they do. The only thing creepier than that is that when the babies hatch, they then cart them around on their back. No really!

LOOK!!

And on someones hand! WHO COULD DO SUCH A THING? Truly vomitous.

Back to my spider. Because it's all about me. The spider is sitting there, standing? What? And I began to call out. Because I have no spider killing weapon anywhere near me and I'm getting ready for bed and not exactly decent, not to mention I can't leave the room because I'd have to cross the spider. There is just no way I'm crossing this spider. You may not know this but my house is practically sound proof. I holler down to BH. He can't hear me, I know this. Ddunkie is in the john so I yell out DDUNKIE!!!! WHAT? A SPIDER!! JC MOM! HURRY! I'M POOPING!! And then the spider, quite annoyed with all the yelling and pooping runs, RUNS! RUNS I TELL YOU! around my feet. AROUND MY FEET! then around the corner and behind my dresser.

FML

Ddunkie, mid poo, comes into the room to see. 'Is it big?' 'BIG!' 'One of 'those'?' 'yes' We're whispering at this point as we have no desire to further annoy this beast that is now hidden in my bedroom where I had intended to sleep but now will not be able to.

I run downstairs and grab the shop vac. The brand new shop vac that we got for cheep at the HD and has never even been used. This was a purchase that I'd hoped would improve my mood and if it fulfills it's spider killing duty just may.

BH hears me hollering and sees me grab the shop vac and head up the stairs with purpose and says What is all the noise? A SPIDER! 'Jeezs I thought you were dying up there.' Nice of you to check on me my love. He comes up the stairs after me. He. Is not such a great spider killer. He's not afraid, he just sucks at it. If I am going to sleep anywhere in this house I will need to be sure it's dead.

BH: How big is it?
me: BIG
BH: How big?
me: BIG
BH: Like. .
me: Baby it's BIG and it needs to die!

And now Ddunkie is out of the john and looking on.

BH slowly pulls my dresser from the wall. Of course the spider could hide UNDER the dresser and just move with it, or attach isself underneath and just ride it out. Spiders are smart this way. And the dresser moves, slowly, slowly, slowly and then. . . There it is! Up against the wall. All manner of colorful language escapes our lips. It truly is a LARGE spider. And since BH the brave spider slayer is there he quickly ducks behind the dresser and. .and. .crush crush crush. (vomit vomit vomit) He kills it. 'Now go get me a tissue' 'why?' 'to wipe the spider off my shoe' '(gak) no'

Ddunkie is just barely brave enough to get him a tissue and hand it to him in a most comical way. In other words, just barely close enough for BH to barely touch the tissue. And once tissue makes contact with BH's hands, Ddunkie hauls it out of there, crashing into me, watching from the relative safety of the doorway. Keep in mind the spider is dead at this point.

Dead spider = 10% mood elevation
Child with same degree of spider fear yet willing to kill a spider for his mommy = 20% mood elevation.

I'd rate it higher, but then I'd have to say I was now in a great mood.