More blues

A happy picture

I was thinking over the weekend what a depressing post that was. But then I've been reading some other bloggers and running into the same thing. Stress, blues, depression.

I have stress, lots of it. Not only my work, where I am insanely busy and should be working right now, (still no home computer, must post here) but the holidays too. I love the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, it's all good. Well no, not all. It's stressful and busy and there is much to do and . . . well forget it. Hey I got a new angel for my tree! She's beautiful, absolutely beautiful. And I forgot to take pictures, hopefully tomorrow.

Thankfully I'm not blue or depressed but just pensive and in deep thought when I'm not planning the next holiday whatever.

As I said my X got married Saturday. The boys had a great time. They danced and had a ball. I'm glad they felt comfortable enough to share that with me. My mom called me. "What? YOU didn't get invited to the wedding?" That was my chuckle for the weekend. Very funny ma. Love you.

I left off with my cancer. I wanted to write more about it but now, today, it just doesn't seem that interesting.

I WAS diagnosed with cancer. I had the surgery, I had the chemo, I had the radiation. I had the nausea, the hair loss, the buzzy brain. I had it all.

HAD.

My hair now is pretty great. It came in much more grey than before. No matter, it's red and fabulous now. It came in a little curly, or wavy, or more like body or something. It was always straight, straight, painfully limp and straight. Now I can curl it around my finger and it stays. All day! Wow! I can probably cut it into a style now if I want to but for obvious reasons I just want to let it grow for a while. I like the feel of it on my neck and running my fingers through it. Last year at Christmas I was rubbing off the last little bits of stubborn hair and massaging my sad sorry scalp. I even had to shave my head to rid it of stubborn long hairs.

I feel good. I often forget that I went through all that. But I did. Just prior to my surgery I studied and past my Real Estate License State board test. I couldn't believe that I'd past it the first time. Everyone I talked to at the test was there for the second, third, seventh time. I was not optimistic. I just relaxed and realized that failing a three hour test was not a horrible thing and I'd be able to take it again and again until I passed it. Besides, I didn't think that passing was life or death. I had real life or death issues to think about.

I was going through the divorce and every week X would call me to have the papers signed and over with. I wouldn't. I didn't want to interrupt my health coverage right in the middle of treatment. My treatment trumped his hurry to remarry. Also during this time my oldest began to act up. More like a melt down.

He has struggled with drugs and alcohol ever since his girlfriend was in a serious accident. This was six years ago. He witnessed the accident. She did not recover. She didn't die but her brain damage is so severe that she is really dead to everyone. Her body continues to live, not thrive, but live. I expect that she will die from a respiratory infection. This is common for bedridden brain damaged people. They cannot cough the fluids out of their lungs. They suffer from infectious bed sores. She is not able to swallow and is tube fed. Her family, blamed him for the accident. He didn't do it or cause it. They were devastated by the accident. Blame is normal. I understand their pain. My child lived and their child is forever lost to them. Understandably he has suffered with all of this as well. We tried to get help for him. He was 18 at the time and there was only so much we could do. He chose a life of drugs and alcohol. This led to an arrest and a short time in jail. He'd lived on the street before. We'd take him back, he'd do well for a while then get sucked into that lifestyle. During my treatment he was at his worst. His option once again was the streets. I couldn't take the drugs/alcohol/violence. Neither could his dad. He found a program called Job Corps. They brought him to Utah, finished up his school and now he has moved out of the program and is living with a girl he met in Utah.

I still worry about him. I hope he is really doing as well as he tells me. I can't be sure. But he sounds good. He's making grown up decisions. He sounds sober.

I'm very very proud of him.

I love him with all my heart.

I'll miss him this Christmas.

So, I'm doing well. I feel great. The side effects such as numbness in my fingers and toes are completely gone. I knew it could be with me for years or forever. I still have some numbness in my left pit. That has never improved, I doubt it will. I can live with that. I have lymphedema as a result of the surgery. I just recently got my sleeve. (only 2 1/2 months later, thanks Kaiser) I will always have to worry about my left hand/arm. While we were moving it swelled like crazy and hurt like the devil. It's better now. I can live with it. I'm very thankful for every little thing, even this annoying stuff. Check ups and blood work every three months, mamo's every 6. Tamoxifen once a day for the next 5 years. All of this is such a small price to pay.

I have much to be thankful for. My children. BH, who has been with me every step of the way. He kept me going when I didn't feel like it. My doggie, I love my little Maya B. The boys and Frank will be moving in soon, I don't know when yet, and that is a huge happy thing.

This is the end of the year. Next year. . new stuff to worry about I'm sure. But today, today is a good day and I am blessed to live in it.