Wedding bell blues?

My X is getting married tomorrow.

Everyone (family, friends, etc) has asked how the boys feel about it.

I don't really know. I doubt they would tell me they are happy about it. Just because. But I think they are ok about it.

They are in the wedding. X wanted all three of them but oldest is in Utah and will not be able to come out. Youngest is very excited about wearing a tux for the first time. Very excited. Middle wanted X to get them all suits so they would be able to wear them again. I can't wait to see pictures of them all decked out. They are so handsome to me.

No one has asked ME how I feel about it.

(notice pouty face)

I'll tell you, because I know 'you'all' care.

I'm thrilled!

No really, I totally am.

I've not talked much about my divorce for several reasons. Our marriage was difficult for many years. We were married for 23 years. We had one of the three 'A's going on at all times. Adultery, addiction and abuse. We visited all three during those 23 years. Dr. Laura calls them deal breakers. They are.

When I found out about the first A, youngest was 7 months old.

I stayed. I was in church and had a lot of support. I didn't work. I home schooled my boys. If I'd have left, I would have been a single mom, working full time. My boys would have been raised half the time by a step mom and X. More likely they would have been in day care most of the time splitting their weekends between 2 households.

I stayed. I made it work. I kept it together. It was tough. I don't regret one single minute of it and I would do it all over again.

There were times during my marriage when I was in danger. We didn't scream and yell while we fought. There was no hitting. There was a lot of silent rage. A lot of sneaking around. He wouldn't speak to me for days, weeks without explanation. A lot of things were done to hurt me. Little things, things he knew would bug me, disappointed me, hurt me. One councilor called it passive aggressive. He once tried to poison me. The scariest thing about that is that I almost poisoned my youngest. Police reports were filed, I couldn't 'prove' anything. X chalked it up to me being crazy, that my 'obsession' with crime shows and crime books had 'influenced' me into making up such a crazy story.

My parents believed me. My friends believed me.

My pastor told me to get out before X 'hurts' me. I know he was worried beyond words.

Shortly after I got a job. I knew that without one I'd never be able to leave. It wasn't a lot but it was a start. I left seemingly without warning. I packed up an overnight bag and never came home. I have never looked back. I don't regret leaving. I wish I could have done it sooner. It just was not possible. I had to leave my boys behind. That was a tough decision but I couldn't take them with me. I believed he wouldn't hurt them. All of them are twice his size and quite capable of physically defending themselves. (youngest was almost 18 at the time) Besides he would need them, he would turn them against me, cut me off from the true loves of my life.

He was able to turn them against me for a time. It was painful while it lasted but I knew two things for sure. One, I invested my entire life in my boys. I didn't work and I home schooled them. I was with them 24/7. I didn't go anywhere or do anything without them. Nobody knows them better than I do. And they know me. Two, X can only keep up an act for so long. By the end of the month he'd had 2 girlfriends. This one he's marring tomorrow is girlie #2 that he met 3 weeks after I'd left. (while he was following me around, threatening me and begging me to come back)

Within a few short months I had them back, in their hearts if not in my house. X had his girlie and was ready to ditch the boys and move on. We were just about to finalize the divorce when I discovered the calcifications in my breast were malignant. . . . . .

aaah, hate to leave you hanging but I gotta run. . . more later.