I'm alive, barely pt 2

Well I had had an appointment for Friday but with the new development I moved it up to Wednesday. Although the test results will be ready in 3 days I will have to wait seven days until I see my doctor. I sweat. I try not to think about it.

I can't breathe.

What does this mean? I google it but come up with nothing enlightening. Mostly I get a 'could be something, and then again, it may be nothing.' 'Some doctors use this test, some don't take much stock in it and never test for it.' The 'it' is a protein, or something, that is caused by. . . . this is where they lose me. The vagueness of all this information does nothing to improve my mood. Which is foul about now.

I can't breathe.

My mind wanders. Does this mean the cancer is back? If so, where is it? Where? Were the margins to narrow in my left breast? Did they miss some cells? Were there stray cells in the path to my lymph nodes? Cells in the lymph nodes? How will they know? How will they check? There were some calcifications in the right breast. They biopsy'd some and they came back benign. What if the ones they left behind were malignant? Why didn't they take those ones out while they were at it? Why didn't I insist that they do? Will I need more surgery? Radiation? CHEMO!?

I can't breathe.

My bff Gwennie calls. She's having a little get together. No, I can't, I can't, I can't sit and try to act normal with all of this in my head. I get home and climb the stairs to my room. I hot bath and some candles will help, it always does, I'd have a glass of wine but all I have is champagne. Champagne aways reminds me of parties or celebrations and I don't feel like celebrating. The stairs wear me out. How will I manage them when I'm sick?

My hair is getting long and I pull it up so it wont get wet. What if I have to lose it again? It'll be summer this time around, maybe. I look through my cabinet where I've stored all my hats and head coverings. I have a lot of warm caps. They kept my head warm during those winter months. I have a few hats and a lot of silk scarves. I shouldn't need anymore than that but I know I'll get more. Hairless women understand that hair goes with everything. Scarves, hats, caps, whatever, need to match. You can't wear a baseball cap with your office attire and a red silk scarf will not go with your blue dress.

To be continued. . . .

Sorry gals, gotta go.