Whew!

As I get ready for my bath I look in mirror. The radiation tan has faded but is still visible. Other wise I look perfectly normal for a gal my age. Prior to this I'd not had any surgery's. Now I have a tiny scar on my right forearm from the chemo port. And an invisible scar on my breast. It really is invisible, I know it's there and I still can't really make it out. I'm not 100% sure about Kaiser. I absolutely hated the last surgeon I met with and haven't seen the new one yet. Will they do as good a job? Will I need a mastectomy this time? Reconstruction surgeries?

*sigh*

My BFF Gwennie calls me while I'm in the tub.

BFF: How you doin hun?

me: Great!

BFF: Yeah?

me: Yeah.

BFF: No, youre not.

me: No, I'm not.

We chat for a little bit. She is encouraging. I don't have to go this alone. I have wonderful people in my life.

BFF: Not knowing is always the hardest. Once you find out for sure you'll do what you did last time. You'll pull up your courage and get through it! You'll be fine.

I know I will.

I have a busy day the day of my appointment. It's late in the afternoon and we head out to the Riverside office. We are silent the 40 minutes we travel to get there. BH tries to crack a few jokes. I smile at him. I don't have it in me to laugh, even a courtesy laugh.

I check into the office. The recept tells me they'll be calling me in from the door on the right. THE DOOR ON THE RIGHT! I refer to this door as door #2. It's the door that leads to the chemo room. The Bald and the Beautiful enter into that door. I always go into door #1.

I sit down and pick up a magazine. Door #1 opens and the nurse calls my name. I get up, as does another lady. BH grabs my arm. 'remember? Your going in that door?' 'Oh yeah, I forgot." But I hadn't.

The only magazines they have in this office are cancer related. Nothing encouraging, nothing happy, just cancer mags. I thumb through it anyway. I read about a gal a little younger than me. She had a double mastectomy and reconstruction. I read her happy tale. I'm not happy. I look up as someone sits next to me. She is beautiful, and bald. She has no headcovering. She's penciled in her eyebrows but most of her eyelashes are missing. The ones that remain are long and mascaraed. When I'm called in I weigh in. Weight good! Down 5 lbs. That is happy news, I'll take it. Blood pressure good! It always is. In fact it's always a tad low so if they don't have to do it again I know it's high for me.

I get into the little room and she asks me a few questions, then it's 'everything from the waist up, open in the front.'

I do a little strip for BH, he provides the music. I toss my clothes on him from across the room. He laughs and places my bra on his head. It's an old ritual with us. He thinks it's hilarious. I tell him I'm taking a picture of him. He lets me even though he knows what I'm going to do with it.

Finally I hear Dr. Ruby talking outside the door. When she comes in all bubbly she asks me how I'm doing today. 'Well I'm a little nervous.' BH snickers, it's more than nervous and I shoot him a look to keep him quiet. She looks at me with genuine surprise. 'Nervous? Why?' she says, 'Well my tumor markers are up.' I say. 'Oh that. Well five of you came back with elevated markers, but once you retook the test, you're all fine.'

WHAT!

'Oh and you're cholesterol I see is coming down, that's good, if it's not within normal ranges next time we may have to put you on medication.'

FINE!

'See you in 3 months.'

HUH!


BH is grinning. I have inhaled and forgotten to exhale. The relief is unimaginable. UNIMAGINABLE!

I call my mom on the way home and BFF Gwennie. I hadn't talked to my boys about it so I'll tell them what happened when I see them.

When youngest gets home I tell him about my doctor visit. He says 'Oh yeah, I saw BFF's hubby. He told me all about it. He seemed embarrassed that I didn't know.' Yeah. I probably should tell my kids if I'm going to tell others. My bad.

That night I take a long bath and paint my toes.

BH and I snuggle up. He kisses my neck and whispers, 'I'm glad you're ok'

Me too baby, me too.

Oh and lest I forget.
What do you think? Amish? A large fly, you know with the big eyes?